How to Write a Terrible Research Paper: Part 1

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   funky intro music plays Welcome noble listeners to “How to Write a Terrible Research Paper”, a joint production of NGUMA SCOME and RSD. I’m your host, Arcanus the Adept, a year 4 mage, and your local RSDD. Today we’ll be exploring the fine art of botching research from conception to publication. But first, a word from our sponsors: Don’t try this at homekids! We’re professionals - or at least we flunked out of being professionals. Let’s start with the basics of being a bad researcher. First up, the Author - also known as the Abominator. As an Abominator, your goal is confusion, not elucidation. Spread misinformation, don’t illuminate. Bafflegab is your medium, not clear communication. Remember, if they can’t understand you, they can’t criticize you! Next, the Investigator. Also called the Indagater - your job is to not find answers, but sow doubt and distrust. Question everything except your own biases. Fail to consider alternative hypotheses. And above all, remember: correlation never proved causation, but it makes for great clickbait! The Analyst is another title to aim low for. Forget rigorous analysis - just conjure conclusions from thin air! No need for facts when you’ve got falsity. Spreadsheets? Bah - a calculator and imagination will do! And an educator? Please. True evil means filling young minds with error, not empowering them with truth. Think propaganda, not pedagogy. If they can't think for themselves, they'll have no choice but to believe you!

   
   
2. [6:35 AM]

   When ideating research topics, apply the FINER criteria backwards: are your ideas Fuzzy, Irrelevant, Not credible, Evasive and Ridiculous? Wonderful! You're well on your way. funky music interlude It's time for an activity break before we delve deeper into proposal fumbles and putrid protocols. Let's play a round of "Don't Do This Jeopardy!" Contestants, your clue is "Ways to botch ethics board approval". You there in the Flaming Fedora - let's hear your non-answer! "I apologize master Arcanus, upon further evil reflection I must withdraw my suggestion, as intentionally harming participants would be unethical." Drat, foiled again by ethics! Back to the show then. Listeners, stay tuned after the break for more top tips on trash talking everything from bibliographies to reviews. And remember: the lower the quality, the higher the hilarity! This has been "How to Write a Terrible Research Paper". Same evil time next week! funky outro music
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   Here is a revised draft episode covering the specified sections: funky intro music Welcome back to "How to Write a Terrible Research Paper!" I'm your host, Arcanus the Adept. Today my apprentice Snagglescale joins me to share more tips for truly terrible research. Snagglescale, what's the first step after a poorly conceived idea? Snagglescale: Why, a botched proposal of course! Leave out details, waffle aimlessly, and by all means avoid addressing reviewers' concerns from prior failures. Which brings us to our first activity - compose the world's worst research proposal in under 3 minutes! Go! muffled scrambling sounds Time's up! Let's peer at these proposals. My, my, meticulously vague and utterly unfeasible - you've certainly got a gift for gibberish. On to protocols! Ensure yours is needlessly complex, excludes key information, and most importantly, doesn't follow procedures. Aim to baffle, not edify! For literary loathing, shun style guides. Embrace verbosity, eschew editing. Let convolutions, cacophony, and circumlocutions run wild! Spurn structure; flout formatting. Verify vitiation, not virtue! And never annotate, else risk losing face when flaws are found. When reviewing tomes, shun Boolean budlight. Scoff at keywords, disregard domains. Then tout your findings, few though they be. Garble summaries, graft false quotes - in short, don't study stoically! As for instructions, incinerate STROBE, torpedo TRIPOD. Your work needs no rules; care not a jot for core or clarity. Introduce intricacies, ignore integration. Methodically mistreat methodology with mystery not merit in mind. On the subject of authordom: insist on first, refuse responsibilities. Deny contributions, demand disproportionate dues. Confound co-creators, conceal cruelties. Steal ship and credit; care not for cooperation!
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   This has been "How to Write a Terrible Research Paper" with Arcanus and Snagglescale. Tune in next week for more heinous how-tos! Same bat time, same bat channel! funky outro music